Sitting in the lounge room one night I contemplated on whether to message Max or not. The ex was fading more and more from my mind as days went on. All I have been thinking ever since Max left was whether he was ok and why he haven’t been messaging me like he had told me he would in the weeks leading to his departure. Why am I thinking about him? I felt so mixed up and confused but I blocked it out. I have never seen anything but photos of him and was not about to let anything happen between us. So why was I thinking about him? ‘It must be nothing’ I told myself. I remember promising *Tracey that I would never fall for *Max because she had feelings for him despite already being tied down by marriage.

I soon found out later that he had made a 180 degree turn and is pursuing his primary school crush, the girl that had been in love with him since she was twelve. I wasn’t hurt whatsoever but now have a different view on him and his intentions. Two weeks later I arrived in his and my old hometown, as planned. I mislead him and told him that I’ve changed my mind. He doesn’t seem to care, seeing that he now has a girlfriend, so why would he care to meet me? I remember that when we had begun talking he would tell me how much he wanted to meet me and had announced to all his friends that I was the one that he wants to be with him.

Stepping off the plane that night I was washed over with a shock wave of memories. Memories of the ex that I thought had long gone. As I stood there in the chilling air of my old hometown, my heart started to beat harder in my chest as the world seems to slow down around me. On the ride home back to my brother’s house, more and more thoughts raced through my mind. That night I lay awake and wrote down my feelings:

Random thoughts of a nocturnal, melodramatic, self diagnosed 'insomniac' @_@

Stepping down onto this world of ice from a flight through the dark clouds, the wind blew ever so gently by images that had long gone.

The pain and desire that once vividly accompanied those pictures are no longer there.

But like venom of a serpent, it seeps through my veins and threatens to intoxicate and bring me to my knees. This hollow place somehow thaws the memories that one tried so hard to freeze away, causing my being to shudder at the thought of falling back in.

In this land of broken promises, my heart fears the encounter of the one that enhances that very feeling, the one that broke me, the one that promised to never forget me but now forgot me.

Gone are the days where ones comfort zone guarantees no such sighting or retracing of such memories.

All that this bitter sweet winter land has to offer are the reopening of healing wounds.

                                                                                ---

I sent it to Max that morning to see if he could read between the lines and be known of my whereabouts. He was intrigued but thought nothing of it until I reminded him the next day. He seems to have no more interest whatsoever in keeping me as a friend, I thought. He was clueless of my underlying message so I told him. We ended up meeting that night. I remember the first moment I spotted him out from the crowed. He was facing the other way with the phone to his ear, I walked towards him, he turned around and our eyes met. ‘So this is the guy that helped me, my rock’ I thought to myself as I gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek.

My friend Paul and I ended up going back with Max to have a drink up at *Tracey’s house. He introduced me to his girlfriend and we hit it off right away. That night I’ve sworn that he still felt something for me, but at the same time unsure. But, I blocked it out because he is now with someone and I am growing to like her more and more as the night progressed. I ended up drinking too much and ended up chucking up and crying in the bathroom. The next thing I know I found myself being held by *Max. The pain I felt for the ex had came rushing back, that overwhelming hit by reality washed over me causing me to sob uncontrollably. Max had heard this and came in whilst others were unsure on what to do, he held me. At that moment I felt as though he could understand exactly what I was going through and came to help hold up the burden that’s within my heart. For that split second I’ve sworn that he had felt something for me as he held me. I will never forget that warm embrace. *Tracey came in and told him to go look after his girlfriend, *Betty, which had K.O’ed in the guest room. *Tracey then took the role of holding me and whispered something in my ear that shocked me “Have you fallen for Max?” I was shocked and quickly replied “NO”. How in the world could she ask me such a question? He is with someone and I’m clearly not over my ex….right? We all ended up crashing at Tracey’s house and that morning before he left he came and rubbed my head. He was sweet. BUT no, he has a girlfriend, so I must not fall for him. I’m not ready for anyone anytime soon at this point.

Days went by and we hung out more and more. I was getting mix signs from him but I would push them aside. He was only caring for me because he liked me as a sister I would tell myself and others. I was successful at blocking out those thoughts. Our ships have sailed and its better this way. It’s better to keep him as a friend…nothing more and nothing less.

A week later, *Ricky came into the picture. He is Max’s colleague and friend. He knew that *Max had previous liked me before *Betty, but because he felt that there was chemistry between us at *Ken’s birthday, so he asked *Max [twice], if it was alright to ask me out/date me. *Max’s answer was ‘yes, it’s ok’, and he started to help Ricky. This really made me believe that *Max felt nothing for me and so therefore I really thought about being with Ricky. He is a gentleman and is someone that will be able to take really good care of me, like when I was fully hammered at the party. He looked after me so much that it really moved me into believing that he and I could really work. But the more we hung out the more I felt that he and I should only be friends. He is undoubtedly a very sweet, caring, loving guy. So it is my lost that I do not pursue anything with him.

Over the course of my vacation, Max and I became closer and would muck around so much that it got Ricky and other people jealous of our closeness. It didn’t faze me because I felt inside that nothing will become of us. *Ricky became more jealous over time and would never ask *Max to come out with us, he’d also ask me to hang out on most of my days left in the hometown. *Max and I spent less time than I did with Ricky but the bond we felt were much stronger. He’d tease me and I’d run and smash the daylight out of him but still it never stopped him from teasing me.

*Betty asked me to stay back a week longer so that I will be able to attend her house warming party...

To be continued…